Family Celebrations 1

Christmas and other family celebrations are very special times, especially for children. It can be a time that they will look back on with pleasure all their lives. It can also be a stressful time. Good preparation and thinking ahead can avoid many of the pitfalls and make sure it is a happy rather than a stressful time.

Planning

Family or cultural celebrations are times when everyone has high expectations. Expecting a lot, the pressure of planning for celebrations and the coming together of family members can also be a cause of stress.

Planning to avoid stress

• Make a list of all the things you need to do – put the most important first. If you can’t get to them all, cross some off the bottom.
• Plan rest time into the day – often you need it to make up for the weeks before.
• Families are important for teenagers – even if they would rather be somewhere else. Try to do a deal – that they spend some time with the family celebration and some with their friends.
• Postpone family feuds – this is a time when people are likely to be tired and under stress. It is the time to let lots of things pass and not take offence, and to avoid bringing up issues that you know will be hard to deal with.
• If you feel pressured by media advertisements to spend more than you can afford, talk with your children about what the celebration really means to you and your family, and what is really important.
• Make a time around the celebration (not necessarily all on the day) to spend with family members or friends who you enjoy being with but you may be too busy for at other times.
• Plan for special time to spend with your children and partner in the days after the celebration especially if the time before has been very hectic.

Planning for a safe celebration

• If you have ornaments on a Christmas tree, or Christmas lights, make sure that toddlers can’t reach them. Ornaments often break easily and have jagged edges and Christmas lights are a temptation for beginning explorers to unscrew.
• Watch that young children cannot get to cigarette butts or leftover alcoholic drinks – these are poisonous to young children.
• Negotiate with older teenagers about who drives if there is to be alcohol.
• Try to avoid too much driving – especially when people are tired.
• Have a fall-back plan for teenagers who go to parties, eg send a phone card/phone money/mobile phone – let them know they can call you and you will come if they need. (Don’t lose your cool at the time – save questions for the morning when all feel better).

Christmas and other celebration customs

Customs are important to families and part of family traditions. Think about your family customs (the special things you do), are they still useful or should some change? Keep what is good from the old and add some new ones if you need to as the family changes. This is also important for stepfamilies where there are two lots of celebration customs to be considered. Family customs don’t always have to be the old ones – new and changing families can make new customs. They are best if they develop out of what happens at your house, but here are some that some families have, to start you thinking about yours:

• Everyone helps make the food
• For some celebrations gifts are given to special people, such as family or friends. For Christmas presents everyone in the family could pull a name out of a hat at the start of December and then do something nice for that person every day until Christmas, and gives a small gift to the person on Christmas day. This may be appropriate for other types of celebrations.
• Invite a neighbour or someone who is on their own to share part of the celebration
• Have a neighbourhood party or get together. Meet your neighbours. It need not be elaborate.
• Decorating or making decorations for your home can be a family affair
• Share your celebration with someone from another culture, and then share their special celebration
• Sing carols or other songs together or read the story of the meaning of the celebration on the evening before the special day.

Here are some things you could think about.

• How you do things, eg who makes the food, who arranges what? Sometimes the same person has taken all the responsibility for arranging and would like a change, or preparations could be shared in a different way.
• Who shares your celebration? These are likely to be the important people in your life. What happens when your family changes or children grow up and get their own partners?
• Where do you have your celebration, who decides? Is it always at grandma’s, and has anyone asked her if she would like a change. Sometimes when parents are elderly but still like the gathering at their home it can be done in a different way, by everyone else bringing the food for example
• What you do – is this still as suitable for a family with teenagers as when the children were younger?
• There may be special difficulties for grandparents if they have to let go some of the customs that have meant a lot to them. Think about how everyone’s needs can be included.
• Customs that include giving to others less fortunate can be a very warm and learning experience for children, eg taking presents to a charity as a family outing.

Make sure all your customs still meet your family’s needs. If you are in a family where members don’t feel they can be bothered with these customs it may be because the family is under stress which needs to be resolved.

Food

Children often over-eat at celebrations and get sick. Many children don’t like the traditional food and get grumpy. Here are some tips that might help make your eating more enjoyable.

• If you have a big gathering of people plan to share providing the food. Each part of the family could bring part of the meal.
• Have some colourful jelly or other treat for children who don’t like pudding.
• Provide iced water as a change from soft drinks and alcohol, float fancy ice cubes or pieces of lemon or fruit in it to make it more attractive.
• Watch where people leave their glasses of wine or any alcohol so young children do not get to them. Discourage others from giving children sips of alcohol.
• Nuts and hard foods such as pieces of carrot can choke young children. Keep them out of reach, or don’t have them at all until the children are older.
• Keep salads and cold meats in the fridge until they are needed – germs grow quickly in warm weather.
• Put out nibbles and treats when you need them, if you leave them out all day children (and others) will eat them all day.
• Plates of food that are served are less likely to encourage people to overeat than buffets where you can go back for lots of helpings.
• Have a light evening meal if you had a big lunch or vice versa.
• Try non-traditional foods for a change – based on fish, fruits and cold salads. They can be as fancy as turkey and plum pudding and better for everyone’s health. Have what suits your family and your budget; you can decorate it to make it look special.
• Go for a walk or play a ball game during the afternoon.
• If you (or the children) do overeat, remember it is only one day. A few days on healthy foods will soon put things right.

Tips for the day

• Don’t put children to bed too early on the evening before the celebration – they will not get more sleep but will probably lie awake. Put them to bed at the usual time and have a relaxing story to help settle them.
• Injuries happen because everyone is busy and there may be no-one to supervise the children, eg in pools, or with new toys such as a bike that children don’t have skills for yet.
• Try new toys/equipment with supervision – riding new bikes, skateboards etc, without enough skill causes many injuries.
• Have back-ups for emergencies – spare toy batteries, a video the children enjoy.
• Excitement is part of a celebration – if it seems to be getting too much step in and offer an activity to focus their thoughts, eg a quiet-ish game.
• Plan ahead for your celebrations so that you are not trying to do too many things at once. A celebration with two families is sometimes better spread over two days rather than all crammed into one.
• Leave time on the day for a sleep, a walk or an outdoor game – whichever appeals to your family.

Gifts for children

At Christmas often children are given a lot of gifts. At other celebrations this may not be what is done.

• If children are given gifts, make sure toys and other gifts are suitable for the age of your child – the recommended age is often marked on the toy – and that it is safe.
• Check the toys before you wrap them to make sure all the parts are there and that there are the batteries you need.
• If there are lots of new toys, try to gather up the ones that don’t seem to be an immediate success and put them away for later. This makes the celebration last, and avoids breakages and disappointment.
• Put any toys with small parts or dangerous bits out of reach of young children.
• For lasting value think of the play value of the toy – what can the children do with it, as well as how it looks.
• Pets can be a great joy, but they have to be cared for. If you are not sure you can manage a pet, don’t buy one. With very small children pets can cause problems as young children don’t understand how to handle them.
• Teach children to enjoy the reading of their cards, and to thank the giver – not just tear open packages and look for more.
• Remember that the best present you can give children is your time. Children, especially young children, do not need or want a lot of expensive presents, but they do want time with you.

After a separation

Celebrations are believed to be a time when families spend happy times together. Often the reality is nowhere near as good as was hoped for.

In the years after a family separation a celebration can be distressing. Things which were part of the day before the separation need to be changed. For some of the day many members of the family will not be able to be with the people they most care about. The celebration can trigger again the grief and anger felt about a separation.

• If possible arrange for the children to spend some time on the day with each of their parents and their families, but remember that too much travelling can tip the balance from excitement into overstimulation and tears.
• You need to plan so the children have a turn with each parent and their relatives – so children and parents and grandparents don’t miss out. Some families tell their children that separated families are lucky because their celebration lasts longer. They spread it out over 2 days, each taking turns on who has the celebration on the actual day.
• If you are on your own for all or part of the day, plan ahead for what you will do, don’t wait to be asked – take the initiative and ask someone else who is on their own to share with you.
• Children will enjoy the day more if they know that their parents are taking care of themselves. Try to arrange time with close friends if you cannot be with your children. Spend as much time taking care of yourself on the day as you do for the children and all of you are likely to enjoy the day more.
• The celebration may not have to be only one day. A few ‘special’ days with your children in the following few days doing ‘special’ celebration or holiday things may be remembered with more fondness than that one overstressed day.
• Don’t overdo presents to make up to the children. You cannot put the family back together (which is often the thing they want more than any present) so don’t fall for the trap of trying to compensate with gifts. Get only what you truly can afford and then there will not be mixed feelings of guilt and fear of the consequences.
• You may feel distress for your own parents who are also missing time with their grandchildren. But they have had to cope with distress in the past, you do not have to try to make every thing right for everyone else.
• If you can, it may be worth developing a new family ‘ritual’ eg. ‘the day we always have at the beach as a family on the day after the celebration or ‘our family picnic’.

When you are remarried

Celebrations can also bring difficulties if you are coping with family changes such as beginning a new family. Just because it is such a meaningful and important time, celebrations can present special problems for families who have come together in new ways. Here are some hints to help

• Working out how you will spend the day can add extra stress so it is a good idea to think through in advance the best way you can work things out to take account of all the different relationships.
• Look at your family customs and try to make sure they include something of the old and something that fits with where you are now. Make new customs for new situations.
• Talk about who will give presents to whom so that step children don’t feel left out by step-in-laws.
• Make it a day when you don’t criticise, even if you don’t approve of some of the presents other people give your children.
• If you don’t see your children at all on the day you may be able to create a new custom about another special day. This will mean that your children are privileged to have two special celebration days each year. This sometimes works better than trying to cram everybody’s family into the one day.
• Try to suspend anger and past hurts for the day so that children (and you) can have the freedom to enjoy it.

Coping with stress

With the best of goodwill the excitement of a celebration can cause stress. It can easily become too exciting for children and cause tears and tempers. Here are some suggestions to help when children become overstressed.

• Take time out to deal with it at the time even if you need to get someone else to mind the cooking.
• Space helps with stress – go out doors, go for a walk, sit in the garden, listen to or sing carols of traditional songs.
• Use quiet rather than exciting activities – read a story to the child, watch a suitable video with the child on your knee, play a quiet game, use children’s meditations (there are many books about these).
• Be sure that you look after your own needs, let things wait while you take time for yourself if you need to.
• Slow down.
• Celebrations may have a spiritual dimension. Take some time to include this in your celebrations.

Enjoying the holidays

The much-awaited summer holiday break can be a lot of fun but it can have its own stresses for parents and children who are not used to being home together all day. Here are some tips to help make the holiday more enjoyable.

• Share the time. Arrange it so your children have their friends over one day and then another day they go to their friends’ homes. This gives all parents a break and on the day you have all the children they are often happy to do things with each other. It means also that the days when you have your children to yourself you have more energy to enjoy them.
• Share the care. Go out together with friends and their children sometimes. The children will enjoy playing together and you will have the companionship of another adult.
• Go out. It is helpful to have a change of scenery once a day even if it is only a walk around the block or a picnic in the garden.
• Have simple meals. Cold meat and salads and fruit are just as healthy as cooked meals and save a lot of energy in cooking and washing up. You could cook a large roast and use the left overs for colds meals. Every meal does not have to have meat. Salads with cheese and eggs or cold tuna are just as healthy.
• Make some time for yourself. You will be a much more relaxed parent if you do. Even an hour or so a day when everyone reads a book (or watches a video) can give you a new lease of life. If you can, get someone else to mind the children in the morning sometimes and have a sleep

Article taken in part from www.cyh.com

Disclaimer

All content on this website is provided for general information only, and should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. Always consult your own GP if you’re in any way concerned about your health.

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